No Scrubs
by foshizzlemanizzle
Summary: Shaniqua fingers, hip thrusts, and trees on fire. All that trouble just to get the girl. AU SasuSaku. Slight Crack.


**Title:** No Scrubs

**Author's Note:** BECAUSE SASUSAKU IS CANON FUCK YEAH. THIS CALLS FOR A NO SCRUBS DANCE PARTY.

P.S. I'm a little rusty. So you guys might find my writing cringe-worthy. MIGHT. You may not. Read on and let me know what you think so we'll know.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Naruto. Masashi Kishimoto, whose face I will _lick_ in gratitude, does. Also, NBA 2K12 is not mine. AND No Scrubs is by TLC and Tootsee Roll is by 69 boyz. Not mine, obviously. 90'S THROWBACK DANCE PARTY.

* * *

><p>Uchiha Sasuke had been in love with Haruno Sakura since day one.<p>

Well, _not_ really _in love_ since day one, but he was _attracted_ to her since day one. _You get the point_.

But because he was a very _very _emo boy with emo gripes and his emo pride, he never did anything to address said feelings.

You'd think that after growing out of his pre-teen angst years, he would finally decide to _not_ be emo and pursue her, but _no_! At the age of nineteen, Sasuke had still not made a move.

He had met the girl when he was six, developing a crush on her when she took a bite from the mud pie created by a scruffy Naruto when every other kid on the playground, including himself, had replied with a frown and a whine in disgust when Naruto offered the pie.

Flashing a grin, her tooth gap displayed proudly for the world to see, she said, "It tastes like unicorns, Naruto."

Was mud even edible?

She could've been poisoned.

Was she _crazy_?

Sasuke felt the corner of his lips lift in a small smile.

She was fearless.

It was like she was invincible!

That was how six year-old Uchiha Sasuke came to the conclusion that Haruno Sakura was a _superhero_.

.

.

At the age of twelve, Sakura confessed her feelings to Sasuke.

Sasuke replied with a, "Thank you."

She thought it was a rejection.

The, 'thank you,' Sasuke uttered was actually for God. Like, _Finally! Thank you, great Lord!_

Dejected, she ran away crying.

He didn't run after her.

Sasuke thought they were tears of joy; that she was so excited that they were finally and _officially_ in a relationship.

Naruto palmed his face in dismay. He scoffed, how am I the stupid one in this friendship again?

And so, Naruto explained the reality of the situation to his socially and romantically inept friend.

Sasuke was _horrified._

Despite his own feelings for her, his pride won. To him, clearing things up would only subject him to further embarrassment. So he did what was easiest and safest to do, he let her think it was a rejection all along. To this day, Sasuke admits that _this_ is his greatest regret.

And so, he mourns his lost love everyday, terrorizing everyone; from children to old ladies, with his trademark Uchiha glare, giving off the impression that he really, _truly _had a stick up his ass.

It was tragic.

What an emo _emo_ boy, Naruto thought.

.

.

"Sakura, I don't see why you rejected Suigetsu. He's a total hottie!" Ino frowned.

Sasuke scoffed, he begs to disagree. He took a sip from his beer.

Naruto and Sai, who were seemingly oblivious to the conversation Ino and Sakura were having, carried on with their newest video game obssession, NBA 2K12.

"What the hell! That was a total foul!" Naruto screamed in protest.

"So not! Ref didn't call it out!" Sai barked in reply.

"Ino, _that_ total _hottie_ always cuts class. Not to mention the fact that he bangs just about every vagina that happens to appear in his line of sight," Sakura retorted.

_Exactly!_ Sasuke screamed mentally, his grip on the beer bottle tight.

"Uh, Sakura. Didn't _Ryan Gosling_ in _Crazy, Stupid, Love_ already establish that nobody uses the word, 'bang,' anymore?" Ino remarked.

"YES YES! THREE POOIIINTS!" Naruto cheers.

"NO! There's still thirty more seconds!" Sai replied defensively, aggressively pushing the buttons of the game controller he held.

"He doesn't even have a job to try to help ease his mother's burdens. Instead, he shamefully asks allowance every week from the same_ mother_ who is paying for his _university schooling_, when he _doesn't _even go to class." Sakura scoffed.

"No! You don't know that." Ino gasped in protest.

"The _mother_ who is working _graveyard shifts_ at the clinic I'm interning in to do so." Sakura continued.

"But, but—" Ino tried to get a word in, but was cut off by a firm, "No, Ino. There's a very high possibility that he has an STD too, you know," from Sakura.

Sasuke decided that he liked how this conversation was going.

"BOO TO THE YEAH!" Naruto screamed, throwing his arms up in the air.

"Fuck! I can't believe it. I lost _again_." Sai whined, violently throwing the game controller to the floor.

"Hey! Handle the controller with care you sore loser!" Sasuke complained, glaring at Sai. The controller was a gift from his mother! _  
><em>

"Ino. How many times do I have to tell you? I—"

"_I don't want your number! No! I don't want to give you mine!" _Naruto suddenly belted out, interrupting Sakura's rant.

"Exactly! _Thank you_, Naruto!" Sakura agreed strongly.

"_I don't want to meet him nowhere. No! I don't want none of his time and no!" _Sakura sang defiantly.

"Ooh! Ooh! _I don't want no scrub_!" Sai sang excitedly, simultaneously working his _Shaniqua Fingers_ to Sasuke's horror.

"_A scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me,_" Sakura sang in agreement, breaking out in a dance, singing out the rest of the song as Naruto and Sai backed her up, thrusting their hips simultaneously.

Ino huffed, amused.

Sasuke, however, was _not_ amused.

Naruto, finally noticing the dirty look Sasuke was throwing, muttered defensively, "What?! _I don't know what you've been told. It ain't The Butterfly it's the Tootsee Roll._"

"Yeah, we were totally doing the Tootsee Roll, Sasuke." Sai affirmed, repeating the dance step, hips thrusting in agreement.

"Idiots. I am surrounded by _idiots_." Sasuke grimly conceded in reply.

Ino laughed.

"_If you live at home with your mamma. Oh yes, son, I'm talking to you!_" Sakura sang.

You _adore _this girl, Sasuke. You. Adore. _This_. Girl. Sasuke, who was now clenching his teeth, reminded himself.

"_Wanna get with me with no money! OH NOOOO! I DON'T WANT NOO_!"

.

.

When Naruto and Sai finally left his dorm room, Sasuke started cleaning up.

Ino, who had to go meet her boy-toy of the week, also left a second later. So, Sakura, being the kind and considerate girl that she was, offered to help clean up the mess left from their weekly friday group hang-outs.

"So… I'm sorry for the ruckus a while ago." Sakura smiled sheepishly as she picked up the beer bottles on the floor.

"Hn."

"It's just that Ino really drives me a little crazy when she concerns herself with my so-called, 'non-existent,' dating life." Sakura frowned, disposing the beer bottles on the black garbage bag that Sasuke left beside the couch.

"A _little_ crazy?" Sasuke smirked.

"Pshaw." Sakura smiled, a hint of a blush on her cheeks.

They worked in comfortable silence after that; Sasuke wiping his leather couch with a wet rag and Sakura picking up empty potato chip bags, beer bottles and instant ramen cups on the floor around the room.

"Why is she so concerned with your dating life anyway?" Sasuke asked curiously, breaking the silence.

"it's because she thinks I'm still not over you!" Sakura replied, voice quickly rising in frustration as she simultaneously recalls all the blind dates Ino put her through.

"She thinks I'm waiting for you to make a move or—_oh_." Sakura halts, realizing what she just said.

That escalated quickly. Nice going Haruno, she thought.

There is an awkward silence as Sakura does anything but look at Sasuke while Sasuke does not do anything but look at her.

"Oh! Look at the time! It's so late!" Sakura said, the tone of her voice higher than the usual.

"Sorry, can't help you clean up anymore, Sasuke! Gotta go, bye!" Sakura continued, the words fumbling out of her mouth too quickly. She cringed as she handed the garbage bag to Sasuke, who was still quietly staring at her.

Rushing and slamming the door on her way out, Sasuke was left to stare numbly at the garbage bag he now held at his hands.

.

.

"Ah! So the grasshopper has now decided to waddle out of his emo little bubble!" Naruto concluded in reply after Sasuke recounted the events that occurred with Sakura the night before.

Sai hummed in agreement, switching from a Sphinx yoga pose to a Dhanurasana yoga pose.

Sasuke sighed, rubbing his temples in frustration, "What the hell are you guys doing? I'm serious here. Stop it with the sex positions."

"And we, are very serious too, Sasuke. Mind you, we are practicing the art of yoga. You should try it sometime. You know, to ease out that pole that's sticking out from your ass." Sai replied pleasantly.

"Very _very_ serious!" Naruto agreed, holding his Virabhadrasana pose.

"_Fine. _Whatever. Do your sex poses. I don't care." Sasuke seethed. "What do I do about Sakura?"

"Well, she probably still has feelings for you, but is in complete denial. So talk to her. Work it out." Sai replies, releasing his pose, deciding to sit cross-legged on the floor.

"What if she doesn't? What if she ran out because she was terrified of confronting me because she didn't want to hurt my feelings?" Sasuke uttered glumly.

"Then," Naruto replies as he releases his own pose, hands on his hips, with a determined expression on his face, "Romance her. Make her heart skip a beat. Sweep her off her feet. Make her fall into you arms, no matter what."

"Yeah? And how do I do that?" Sasuke said dryly, his pessimism taking over.

Naruto, whose tone suggested that he truly believed what he was going to say, grins and says, "Flash mob._ Duh_."

"Genius!" Sai remarked, sharing a fist bump with Naruto.

Sasuke sighed in defeat.

At this point, he was willing to try anything.

.

.

Sasuke should've known.

He should've known better than to trust Naruto and Sai. Trouble always followed the two idiots. Of course they would bring _that trouble_ and their _idiocy_ at a crucial moment such as this.

He closed his eyes in frustration, gripping the sunflowers—Sakura's favorite, in a crushing hold.

The plan was supposed to go this way: It was to be executed during Sakura's night shift. Naruto looks for flash mob volunteers and teaches them the dance routine. Sai is in charge of the romantic pop music, the 'Be My Girlfriend,' banner and the fireworks. Sasuke will ask the receptionist to tell Sakura that someone is looking for her, that it is about an urgent matter and that he would be waiting outside. Sakura will then go outside, see the dancing flash mob, and the banner. Then the crowd will part for Sasuke, who would be holding a bouquet of sunflowers for her. She would say yes and jump into his arms. Then, they would share a kiss.

Romance.

Simple, right?

Apparently, it's not. Not when the two_ idiots_ are left in charge of the details.

Naruto wasn't able to find an entire mob for the routine. His pathetic excuse of a mob consisted of a gay teenager, a mother and her five-year old son, and a deaf old lady.

Sai miscalculated and instead of the fireworks shooting up at the sky, it flew straight through the banner, leaving a hole. A tree was now burning in flames because of that misdirection.

Which brings us to the current situation.

When Sakura stepped out of the hospital, she was met with the following sight: Naruto and a gay teenager switching from hip thrusts to _The Butterfly_. An old lady on her knees muttering, "My dentures! I can't find them!" A little boy who was crying and his mother who was trying to comfort him. A sign that read, "Be my Friend." Sai trying to put out a tree on fire. And Sasuke right in the middle with a bouquet of sunflowers in his hands.

Did he mention that the song Sai chose was _Like a Virgin _by _Madonna_?

Sakura stared at the scene before her in silence, dumbfounded.

Sasuke sighed, deciding to just get it over with.

What's the worse she could do?

Reject him?

..Right.

That would suck. But his day already sucked so _to hell with it_.

Sasuke with an impassive look on his face, slowly approached her. He handed her the flowers, which she took, her eyes still wide in confusion and surprise.

"_Sasuke_?"

"The banner was supposed to read, 'Be My Girlfriend,' but Sai misfired." Sasuke supplied sullenly.

"Oh."

Silence.

"I'm not a scrub?" Sasuke offered awkwardly, not knowing what to say to break the silence.

Sakura blinked up at him, saying nothing.

Then, the events that followed happened so fast.

To Sasuke's relief, the greatest possible thing happened: she grinned.

He didn't scare her off!

He had a chance!

Maybe she still liked him!

Then, the worst possible thing happened: She laughed.

She laughed so hard she was clutching her waist.

Why was she laughing? She thought he was a joke, didn't she?

It was over.

She didn't like him.

Dejected, feeling his heart drop to his stomach, Sasuke took a step back.

But then, the _greatest_ possible thing happened: she kissed him.

As Sasuke held her in his arms, as he _kissed_ the hell out of _Haruno Sakura_, he decided that Naruto and Sai were geniuses.

"Boo to the yeah." Naruto grinned smugly, offering Sai a fist bump as they watched the two lovebirds finally share a kiss.

"I FOUND MY DENTURES!" the old lady screamed in happiness.

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><p><strong>Author's Note:<strong> Yup. I don't know. You tell me. But I did enjoy writing this though. Hope you enjoyed reading it. Leave me a message. Let me know your thoughts. Tell me that, "SASUSAKU IS CANON FUCK YEAH," or something like that. Ciao.


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